


Dark Star

by Cers



Series: Essek Week 2020 [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Author's first poem!, Essek Week, M/M, Poetry, Prompt: Shadows//Gravity, The mortifying ordeal of publishing, Why not both in vague vague terms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:54:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23355013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cers/pseuds/Cers
Summary: You have to see the bottom, you have to touch the abyss.You’re so caught up, you don’t see what you miss.This coiled, steep slope - it’s barbed, and it pains.And now it’s too late, there is venom in your veins.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Series: Essek Week 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1683388
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21
Collections: Essek Week





	Dark Star

It starts  
With a quill in your hand,   
Dipped deep in the well.  
The ink isn’t dry,   
But your mind- it does swell.  
With thoughts and ideas,  
How they push, and rebel.  
And now you’re just stuck,  
On this Scholar’s carousel.  
  
Your desire to learn  
Life's unending spell-  
Your need to know more.  
How you wish it would quell.  
But it wraps 'round, taut chains.  
It’s your own personal hell. 

Unable to do nothing,  
Round and round you go,  
Unable to do nothing,  
But yell and not-know.

You need to learn more,   
You need to know _how_.  
What _is_ it really,  
What _won’t_ it allow?  
This mystery, this puzzle,  
Is there ever an end?  
Or are you just stilled,  
Unable to transcend. 

The answers, they elude  
And here in isolation,  
You ascertain, you extrude  
The flaws in your nation.  
But no one else will agree  
With your words, your fixation.  
They're all too blinded  
By their devoted narration.  
  
You are all alone.  
With no help. No aid.  
Frustration makes you rage.  
Makes you scream, and _shout_.  
  
It makes you ... afraid. 

You look to the West,   
Desperation in your soul.   
Deliberately, you descend.  
With no fear of the toll. 

They will surely help,   
They will find an answer!  
You convince of yourself.   
(You foolish chancer)  
So onwards you go,  
You savant advancer,  
Towards the enemy-  
And trusting the cancer.  
  
Research will be shared,   
And wisdom you will reap,  
For the price of this knowledge,  
Was really not cheap. 

Time does pass,  
And messages slow.  
This is not how you thought  
This bargain would go.  
It doesn’t take long  
For the dots to connect  
But you can’t go back now.   
No matter whose lives  
You’ve wrecked. 

It’s too late, you realise.  
You’ve given them away  
The mistake you have made,   
Haunts you all through the day.  
  
They have kept you in the dark,  
Thrust deep in the shadows.  
And you are the blind fool,   
So your thought process goes,  
Ready to be sliced open,  
By their poisonous rose.

You decide to not care.   
The damage is done.  
You keep on their heels,   
As fast as you can run.   
They lead you to a peer,  
Made of lies they have spun,  
And you leap before you feel  
The warmth of the rising sun. 

You have to know, you have to _see_.   
It’s important, you say,   
The knowledge _must_ be free.   
Intentions aren’t good,  
They’re definitely not moral.  
And now you’re cutting yourself,  
On the Assembly’s sharp coral.

You _have_ to understand,   
To navigate this deep, deep sea.  
It is endless, without fathom,  
You swim untethered, carefree.  
They will leave you be,  
So you think, so you believe.  
Unaware you will never,   
Get the chance of reprieve.

The light is now fading,   
There’s no turning back.   
You have lies to see through,  
To keep right on their track.  
  
You bite down hard,  
Swallowing blood.  
Ignoring how  
This isn’t a sea really.  
No.  
It’s a flood.  
  
(And it’s tint is pitch black.)

The growing darkness-  
You sink through fast.  
There were probably warnings,  
In your priveliged past.   
But they were just noise-  
You were too outcast  
To see how it destroys,  
Without challenge,  
Unsurpassed.  
  
You have to see the bottom,  
You have to touch the abyss.   
You’re _so_ caught up,  
You don’t see what you miss.  
This coiled, steep slope -  
It’s barbed, and it pains.   
And it's too late now,  
There is venom in your veins.

And now you plunge further,   
(For up is too far.)  
You’re being forced to the depths,   
Through this choking black tar.   
A chain of sins is pulling you down.  
Surely you now know,   
You can do nothing,  
But drown.

Silenced and stunned,  
You cannot fight.  
The manacles you cuffed  
Around yourself- airtight.  
Your mantle- a chokehold,  
It won’t grant you freedom.  
Was it really all worth it,  
Enacting this treason?

You decide to embrace it.  
What else can you do?  
Caught in this web,  
Of falsehoods you strew.  
It is inescapable.  
It suffocates.  
It drags.  
It pulls.  
  
It was supposed  
to be freeing!  
But it's not.  
Who knew?  
  
Not you.

Down, down, down you go.   
The darkness- your affinity.  
You commit to drowning now,   
If only for proximity.   
  
The void alters familiar,   
It shifts to be known.   
And the mistakes you clutch to  
So tightly weigh you down.  
  
Your very own gravestone.

And then a beacon is there,   
Now held high by a hand.  
The man is not your own,   
He is not from your land.  
Yet his words that he speaks,  
Bold, pleading, and unplanned  
Are full of ideals  
That _you_ understand.  
  
Your treacherous mind whispers,  
_He is a way out,_  
This foreign man,  
With skin so tanned.  
He is wrapped up in earnest,  
With his gesture so grand,  
You ignore it, these thoughts,  
With a sharp reprimand.  
  
But then in his own house,   
You teach him firsthand. 

His friends, they are strange. You will grant them that.  
With their chimes, and their tree, and little orange cat.  
Their presence is annoying, their questions- a burden.  
And you lie through your teeth.  
(When you can get a word in.)

But they thank you, and jest, and touch your arm.  
You flinch away fast, fearing they will do you harm.  
You get out of their sight, get them out of your mind.  
And yet the thought of them brings calm.   
Just because...they were being kind.

The darkness is still crushing,  
the hourglass spilling true.   
But talks of peace soon  
soothe the turmoil in you.  
And you are invited to dinner,  
with wine and fine talk.  
Yet the lies are still spilling,  
you can’t turn back the clock. 

Then there is something new,  
Not felt in an age.  
Of excitement, of passion,  
Committed to page.  
His eyes are bright blue,  
You are pulled in _so_ close.  
You want to, you try -  
But, oh no, you've froze.  
He tightens around you,  
And you can’t disengage.  
His arms have now trapped you  
In a safe, solid cage. 

You are lonely once more,  
But just for a spell.   
Then you are away again,  
Before you can dwell.   
The sun is too hot,  
Its beams on you fall.  
But then you are shielded  
By a drawn parasol. 

It is peculiar, to be shaded,   
When so deep in the dark.  
When your errors have scarred  
You- A jagged stress mark.  
And yet you hold it,   
Clutch it tight.  
You will never admit,  
How it feels just right.  
  
And with one final glance,   
(You give into stubbornly)  
Towards these ones of Den Nein.  
They are mine,  
You think suddenly.  
With your umbrella so fine,   
This is mine,  
You think dearly.  
Your very first lifeline. 

Then they are there,  
On the deck of a boat.  
And the words you prepared  
Die deep in your throat.  
You are nervous, you say.  
Of _course_ you are.  
The illusion dispels,  
Your courage afar.  
You swallow, and stutter,  
Your body afloat.  
But then of having friends at all,   
You loudly - _proudly_ -gloat.

Then there is a party,  
Too much with its din.  
You stick to the shadows,  
For they are your kin.  
This way and that,  
You avoid _their_ gaze.  
But it matters not,  
They have your attention.  
  
Always.  
  
_Always_.

You think it was the drink,   
Looking back in your mind.  
Where the treachery was done,   
And now you're stuck in a bind.   
You try to escape, to get away quick.  
But with a soft-said word, and flick-  
Your composure is gone.   
  
You decide not to punch,  
To fight.   
Or kick. 

The walk is long,  
and shameful,  
and quiet.   
The words you say,  
You fear may stir riot.  
Against you, from them,  
And the thought bears you ill.  
So you look to the floor,  
And submit to their will. 

And then there's...light,  
Flickering and aglow.  
A hand reaches forth,  
Clears away vertigo.   
The words are cruel,  
And he reminds you:  
“We are _friends_ now ...yes."  
_  
"Hallo_.”

And here you now sit,   
At the bottom of your hole.   
He is on his knees,   
And offers control.   
He gives a new target-  
A brand new goal.  
And you stare, bewildered,  
With your heart and soul.  
  
You can swim up, and up.  
And _up_ , he says.   
You still might not reach the top.  
But the darkness-  
Imprisoning you  
In this wretched lock-up,  
That darkness - _oh yes_ \-   
It _will_ eventually stop. 

Make the world a better place,   
Give yourself that second chance.   
For he is the proof of concept,   
That atonement is _not_  
A fairytale romance.  
  
His forgiveness heals sorely  
With each passing blow.   
He is the best of the worst case.  
The light to your dark, soiled shadow.

He has swam these dark depths,  
beneath these cold glaciers.  
But he burnt his way out-  
This absolving trailblazer.

He is the sun, and you a stargazer.  
And the differences between you,  
Are thinner than a razor.  
  
He says it without flinching,  
Not breaking contact.  
So _you_ instead break,   
The idea so abstract.

You want to believe him,  
Take part in this dance.  
When he says you are offered  
This _one_ second chance.  
His eyes hold yours,  
With force unparalleled.  
And just like that,  
Your grave anchor's dispelled.

You are helpless to refuse,  
Lost as you are.  
Your words are choked,   
Spitting up that black tar.  
He is inescapable, and dense.  
You will _never_ get far.  
Now you're being pulled t'wards him.  
Following his repertoire.  
  
But the thought doesn’t scare you,  
Not like the brine once did.  
And so you submit  
To this fascinating news,  
That mistakes can actually  
Be undid.

With a kiss to your brow  
He sears a new scar.   
Of second chances,   
He claims to impart.  
  
You're caught in his orbit,   
Around and round you go.  
His gaze is burning,  
Through your soul made of snow.

You are now floating skyward,   
Away from the void.  
To a new reservoir,  
One that’s warm,  
_Not_ destroyed.  
His colour is bright,  
It fills your noir,  
All from your mirror,  
Your radiant avatar.

So now you are caught  
in his gravity.  
His revolution-  
His grasp.  
And he clutches you tightly.  
  
You swallow a gasp.   
  
You will happily go far,  
With this man you fell for.  
Whose words will open  
A brand new door.  
With eyes of azure,  
And soul of pure fire.   
He is pulling you in,  
Flying higher and higher.  
  
You cannot separate,  
Love and desire,  
While you are trapped   
In this wretched quagmire.  
  
But still up you follow,  
And go, and go.  
Up through the sea,  
That had held you so low.  
  
You don't know where  
This chance will end.  
If it's really a chance,  
With this human godsend.  
  
But you decide you care not,   
On this new path, bizarre.  
He has captured your heart,   
With his silhouette alar.  
  
Going up to new height,  
Farther than ever, by far.  
Following in the light  
Of your brand new Dark Star.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!!!
> 
> Prompted by Gravity//Shadows from the Essek Week Tumblr Prompts (thank you Jak!!!) Just a bit of character exploration into this purple wizard I've attached myself too. 
> 
> I've only ever written *one* poem prior to this, and that was in my other work _Thinner Than A Razor_. I realise I probably broke a thousand poetry rules- apologies to any actual poets, and poetry/English - lovers/enthusiasts/students/teachers T_T hope you enjoyed it anyway <3
> 
> As always, love to the ETFC server! Love you goons xxx


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